Jupiter Ascending (2015)

I have a love/hate thing with the Wachowski siblings Andy and Lana (ne Larry). “Matrix”? One of the best action films ever. Sequels? Crap. “Cloud Atlas”? An epic too messy to land, but I loved the struggle. Now comes “Jupiter Ascending,” a sci-fi jumble of storyboards turned into overdone CGI fireworks that never spark. The Wachowskis think they have something as profound as “Dune” on their hands. Reality: This is nothing more than a “Flash Gordon” retread, complete with the space-man hero (Channing Tatum) crashing through a cathedral ceiling to save the damsel (Mina Kunis) from marrying some wicked creep. And it’s not even funny. Tatum’s hero is a half-man/half-dog soldier, while Kunis plays a janitor who is the reincarnated clone of a dead space queen. When Tatum’s hero tells Jones she *owns* Earth, literally, our gal gawks and wonders if he *loves* her. Is she 14? Mentally afflicted? Sean Bean sulks about, bored. Eddie Redmayne -– hot off “Theory of Everything” –- fly spits everywhere, over-acting. Nonsensical, edited to ribbons -– continuity errors abound -– and insanely overly complicated, I should have taken the blue pill. D

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